In my teens, I made a claymation and live action fantasy film about a confrontation between a dark wizard and a wise sorceress. The dark wizard unleashed a host of terrible monsters on the sorceress. But just as she was about to be overwhelmed, she realized they were nothing more than the embodiment of her own fear. With this insight, she vanquished them with a single spell.

That storyline came to mind as I was contemplating how soaked in fear we are as a society right now: Fear of those who don’t look or act like us; fear of a natural disaster; fear of disease; fear of being told what to think, say, or do; fear of economic hardship. No matter our social status or political persuasion, and without judging the validity of that fear, it seems like we are all afraid of losing something precious.

When I made that film, the feat of the sorceress to master her own fear was literal magic. Without some extraordinary power of will, how else could she just stop being afraid? Decades later, I have in fact experienced that magic, but it is not in the least bit esoteric, and it has little to do with willpower. In his book, Fear, Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh offers mindfulness—the capacity to stay grounded in the present moment—as the path to living without fear, whether that fear is reliving trauma from the past, or worrying about the worst possible future. This practice can be as simple as taking a single breath and looking up at the mountains through my car windshield, or as profound as attending a silent meditation retreat.

We’ve all had someone ask us, “What are you afraid of?” when they were trying to get us to do something we didn’t want to do. Those words trivialized our fear, shaming us for feeling it. They goaded us to be brave. To be brave is to put ourselves in harm’s way even when we know it is dangerous. What Thich Nhat Hanh calls “nonfear” is not the same as bravery. To cultivate nonfear, we ask that same question, “What am I afraid of?” But instead of shaming ourselves, we look deeply at the sources and causes of our fear from a place of compassion and understanding.

Sometimes we face real danger. But very often, our fear is triggered simply by having our expectations and assumptions violated. We don’t feel safe when we don’t know what will happen next. By first mindfully calming my nervous system, I find I can gently practice curiosity about that feeling. As a result, the story I tell myself to fill in the blank of the unknown future can shift. This may be as mundane as realizing that there are many possible solutions to a problem I’m worried about. Or it may be as fundamental as letting go of my accumulated judgements about “those people.” Either way, the magic of mindfulness is in full bloom.

Steve Allison-Bunnell is an ordained lay member of the Plum Village Order of Interning founded by Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh, and serves as the senior practice leader of the Joining Rivers Sangha at the Bozeman Dharma Center.

From Steve Allison-Bunnell of Joining Rivers Sangha:

When we chant our closing Sharing the Merit, how often do we truly dedicate ourselves to the “benefit of all beings?” It’s easy for me to want to benefit my immediate friends and loved ones—that’s what nurtures our connection. It’s inspiring to want to benefit an endangered species or even an entire ecosystem—that is an embodiment of Interbeing. And it’s noble to want to benefit those we see as less fortunate—that is the essence of generosity. Then there are the people we disagree with, perhaps profoundly, about the shape of our society—our instinct is to not want to help them. But “all beings” really does mean seeking to relieve the suffering of all beings, perhaps especially those whose suffering can ripple out to harm us. How can you see their suffering as something that harms them as well? What can you imagine doing to help them? Where do you find refuge to make this even plausible?

This Dharma Thought on Bossiness is offered by Steve Allison-Bunnell with the Joining Rivers Sangha.
I am in recovery from a life-long tendency toward bossiness. Being able to clearly see how things could be quickly becomes a burning desire for how things should be. And from that, telling others how they must do their work inevitably follows. I’ve talked before about the wonderful experience of deep, focused awareness while working on a recycled building materials project at Home ReSource’s annual Spontaneous Construction event in Missoula. But the trap waiting for me has always been the compulsion to micro-manage the rest of my team/family. This year, I had the added joy of watching them work with their own focus and great skill, and to use my mindfulness to pause and simply enjoy what they were doing. It was so refreshing to feel free from bossiness! And that energy helped us all to be satisfied with what we built. Where do you feel yourself being bossy instead of collaborative? What do you do to have confidence in others?